Learning Social Clues

I find it sad that teenagers are learning about social clues for the first time.  Our local newspaper - the San Jose Mercury - has this picture of teenage girls on one side of the line - and boys on the other.  They are in the gym learning the meaning of "consent."

"Consent" - something those of us who played freely together as kids learned when we were about five years old.

What's the difference?  Easy - our parents, teachers, guardians were NOT on top of us at all times.  They were not dictating our play.  They were not  getting in the middle of our scarbbles?  They were not making up the rules of the stick ball or jump rope games?

We learned by doing - by succeeding and by failing.

Non-verbal cues are critically important to social relations.  Starting to learn them as teenagers and adults is sad.

Maybe I shouldn't call it sad since I am often consulting and coaching highly brilliant people how to get along with each other.  I am consulting with newly minted managers and CEOs even helping them learn the same things.

It's not just about dating.  It's not just about sex.  It is about understanding the social clues.

Men and Women need to change

To just blame men for harassing behavior doesn't seem completely fair.  Some of them are clueless - until we women clue them in.  If we smile and pretend we are OK with behavior and words we find offensive - we are not giving clear messages.

Women - be strong.  Be direct.  Say NO.  Say strongly I don't appreciate that humor, please avoid it around me. 

For those of us women who do know how to push the jerks away -  let;s help our more vulnerable sisters and brothers.  Let's teach them how to be strong and how to take care of themselves.

#MeToo could become #YouToo

It is shocking to learn how many companies are still avoiding offering training in proper workplace behavior (alias:  Preventing Harassment , Discrimination and Bullying in the Workplace.)

Others, onl;y thinking about the cheapest and easiest are providing the basic on-line training complimenting themselves on being in compliance.

Sure, you may be in compliance, but the research has shown that poor to mediocre training doesn't make any change.  If you want to really change attitudes and behavior you must provide opportunities for discussion, Q&A and role-playing.  This can only be accomplished with face-to-face training.

My clients report having far greater understanding  of why behavior that they thought was OK was actually found to be offensive by others.

So - do you want a lawsuit?  Do you want to have to fire someone who misbehaved?  What bout you losing your job and reputation - it has happened to prominent CEOS.....

Just claim discrimination many years ago

Just claim discrimination!

WOW – it seems that the latest scam is to claim that many many you were fired due to discrimination, and you want to sue and be compensated for it now.

Well, I was fired many years ago because I wouldn’t accept my boss’s invitation to sleep with him – actually I laughed in his face.  But I, like many others who are or were competent just shrugged it off and got another (and better in my case) job the next day.

NOW, that doesn’t mean that I think all people are capable of shrugging it off and getting a new job.  I absolutely believe in the importance of those of us with more resources (as I recall, I was still living in my parents’ home) helping to stop the exploitation of those more vulnerable. 

But, what bothers me is the political football crying I was harassed, abused or discriminated against has become.  How can we go back many years ago to determine if the complaint is true or false.  Obviously we can’t.  That’s what makes this trend so dangerous.

Innocent until proven guilty.  Due Process.  Have they all flown out the window?  Can anyone make an accusation and have it automatically believed?  I hope not.

Claims of harassment/discrimination as a political weapon

Accusations abound and I suspect many more will be forthcoming now that we are in election season.   Complaints of sexual harassment and/or discrimination have become the newest weapon in the arsenal of “opposition research.”

I recently read about a female Sheriff being accused of discrimination against a male deputy in 1995.  Yes, you read it correctly 1995.  Why?  Because she is coming up for re-election. 

Why now, over twenty years later has this allegation erupted?  What other reason could there be but a political one?

Did President Trump have a one-night stand with a porn star?  I don’t know and frankly, I don’t care – if it happened it was many years ago.

Lest you misunderstand me:   I detest the exploitation of women and the objectifying of them.  I am a staunch supporter of a safe and neutral working environment – and offer courses to enable people to understand how to make it and keep it safe. 

BUT – to go back more than twenty years ago just to dig up dirt on someone – or even more than ten years ago – seems to me to have other motives than to purely cleanse us from the abusers.

Times have changed.  As more and more women are in power in both the workplace and political arena the old “boys will be boys” attitude will disappear.  Who knows what will actually take its place.

But remember, back in the day – men – powerful men in particular – having affairs was common and socially accepted as long as it was discreet.