Toxid People: The Rotten Apple

Do you remember the old adage:  “One rotten apple spoils the bunch”?  There is certainly much evidence that one toxic person spoils the inner-workings of the team, the department and sometimes extends as far as the division itself. 

Toxicity is like a virulent virus.

We all talk about toxicity in the workplace – but one could blame that on stress or competition – here are some examples of how toxicity affects people in social situations.

#!  You caused the hurricane 

A number of years ago, when I was still conducting group therapy sessions I took a therapy group to the Bahamas for a team-building relaxing wonderful adventure.  We chartered one of the hand-made tall sails small ships.,  It was the same ship with the same captain that I had been on with another group the summer prior to this adventure. 

We all flew to the Bahamas together and boarded the ship.  The first few days were lovely, everyone was relaxed and having a good time.  The weather was perfect, our accommodations on board were comfortable and the Captain was a great guy.

And then it hit!  The hurricane – a big one.  We had advance warning and the demand that all tourists leave the islands.  So, we helped our Captain dismantle the ship and sink it – which was the safer way of preserving it.  We charted a plane (at great expense) and were able to borrow someone’s home in Miami Beach. 

The home we borrowed belonged to the parents of one of our group.  They were away on vacation, which was fortunate for us. It was a large comfortable home – but of course many of my therapy clients were quite upset about having their trip disrupted, about the emotions having to sink this gorgeous hand-made ship created and the extra expenses of a charted plane.  In spite of being upset, tired, a little bit frightened – we all hung together. 

And then, it turned out that the hurricane followed us to Miami Beach and we had to vacate the beach.  We borrowed two cars and along with hundreds of other cars slowly made our way inland to Orlando. 

That’s when the real problems began. 

The people in the car I was in remained calm and reasonable.  We laughed and joked and sang silly songs. 

The people in the other car, however. Remained anything but calm.  One of the men was toxic.  He was hostile, slightly paranoid, and very upset about having had his vacation/adventure ruined.  He controlled the discussion in that car and by the time we arrived in Orlando he had convinced all of his car mates that I personally was to blame for causing the hurricane and the disruption. 

Everyone in this car was angry and hostile by the time we arrived in Orlando. 

This was a great experiment in what happens when you have a toxic person on a team. 

#2       Ruining the flow

Here is a milder example of what happens when you have a toxic person in a group. 

I belong to a small discussion group.  We meet weekly, but now due to the shelter at home mandate we have been meeting on Zoom.

One man – I’ll call him Adolph – frequently complains that he doesn’t have enough of an opportunity to speak.  Yet, he is one of the people who speaks the most and the most frequently.  He has a need to show-off – to be the expert and resents when any other member of the group offers some “expert” information. 

When we met in person he would frequently make ugly faces at me across the table, because he resented me and my professional background.  (He has a lot of nasty things to say about Doctors and Lawyers and other professionals.) Since most of the time we were meeting at an outdoor table affixed to a restaurant, it was relatively easy to ignore him.  BUT – once we were meeting on Zoom, his interrupting and showing off led the leader of our group to mute us all and we had to raise our hands like children to get a turn to speak.

This changed the flow of the meeting considerably.  It no longer became a discussion with a continuous thread – which is what happens when discussion is free-form.  Now, by the time one of us got our turn, the conversation had turned and what we were planning to say in relation to what someone else said three people ago was out of context. 

As you know, in a free conversation you can respond to what a speaker is saying.  In a raise your hand classroom style your question or comment is in isolation. 

I understand why the leader of our discussion group did this – but in fact – it spoiled the fun, the flow, and the easy ability to acquire new knowledge. 

SO, what’s my point in sharing these non-workplace stories with you?  To show you that toxicity (the rotten apple) can be harmful wherever it occurs, not just the workplace. 

I am planning to create another course on just dealing with toxic people in the workplace.  In the past I offered you a course in dealing with difficult people and resolving conflict.  That is a very valuable course in terms of dealing with a variety of people in the workplace or socially.  

Since it was planned as a one-hour webinar I couldn’t go into the amount of detail about toxicity in particular – but I shall in the new webinar.  Look for it in the weeks to come.

Due Process in the workplace and at school

Almost every day someone is complaining to their HR representative or to their manager that they have been sexually harassed.  Sometimes these complaints are about being embarrassed by looks or comments that are considered inappropriate.  Other times they are quite serious and represent a total violation of someone’s rights to safety.  Some are even criminal.

But, in addition to these genuine complaints which need to be carefully evaluated, there are false complaints – or at least grossly exaggerated ones. 

That’s why due process is so important – and often ignored.  Workplace complaints are typically handled in a one-sided manner automatically believing the account given by the person complaining and not allowing the accused to hear what is being said against him or her and not giving them due process. 

Not only is this true in the workplace – it is true at most schools as well.  Title IX, in its attempt to take children who complained seriously became over-zealous and forgot about due process.  That’s where the new ruling by Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos comes into play. 

Although some people might be upset by the new ruling, most will understand that due process is an important component in dealing with any accusation of misbehavior.  This is especially true when the allegations are about sexual misconduct and most often he/she accusations and denials. 

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos recently acknowledged the seriousness of this issue and need to protect the victim – while at the same time increasing the rights of the accused to due process. She put three new mandates in place to strengthen due process – while at the same time listening to and protecting children. 

I have been writing and training on this issue for years.  I am a strong advocate of fair-play and due process.  Indeed, I wrote my book:  Conducting Workplace Investigations:  Designated Investigator as a result of seeing how one-sided so many workplace evaluations and investigations were. 

I’ve also created two workshops for Illumeo that deals with this issue:  Interviewing:  The Art and Science and Investigating a Complaint in the Workplace. 

Although these courses were designed for the workplace – they are also applicable to allegations at school.  And, they tie in with the intent of Education Secretary De.Vos.

Yes, it is critically important to take any complaint seriously.  That doesn’t mean you should either believe or disbelieve what is being reported.  It does mean that some highly trained, intelligent and neutral person should carefully investigate and evaluate the situation.

In the workplace this might very well be a trained HR or OD manager.  Possibly even a consultant brought in especially for this purpose.  At school, as Ms. DeVos suggests it takes more than one expert to reach a conclusion.  Should we do that in the workplace as well? 

Not necessarily – if people realize they have to be fair and equitable to all sides in the complaint.  If investigators and evaluators are aware of their own “buttons” and biases and turn cases over to others if  they don’t feel they can remain neutral for any reason.

We are all biased in one way or another.  Almost all of us want to protect anyone that has been harmed and punish anyone who does harm to another. 

That’s not the problem.  There are a few main problems:

1:       We believe the first person to tell us something – so we are apt to believe the person making the complaint.

2:       We are biased naturally – that’s why it was so hard for children to be believed.  They were complaining about teachers, preachers, doctors, and coaches violating them.  Responsible adults could not believe that these professionals whose job was to protect children would actually violate them.  Of course, we have not taken huge steps to change this – and now they are mostly believed.

3:       We are biased naturally – that’s why all it takes is for someone to come into our office crying and we will believe they have been harmed. 

4:       If something similar to what is being alleged happened to us or to a loved one, the tendency to believe it is even stronger.

5:       Big lawsuits – big money – if one sues one’s employer due to not being kept safe.  And there are many such lawsuits – we read about them or see TV stories about them every day.  Indeed, there are lawyers who specialize in suing companies for not protecting women (usually women – but not always) from being violated.

In summary, it is so important to take complaints of misbehavior seriously.  It is especially important that we protect our children. We also need to keep our worlkplaces safe.   However, in the USA we believe in the rule of law.  We believe in the importance of due process.  A person is innocent until proven guilty. 

Yes, the standard of proof should be reasonably low – it doesn’t have to be beyond a reasonable doubt – but it should be fair and equitable for all involved.

Well trained investigators and evaluators who are dedicated to being fair and neutral are what is needed both at school and at work.

Due Process and Education Secretary DeVoss

Although some people might be upset by the new ruling, most will understand that due process is an important component in dealing with any accusation of misbehavior.  This is especially true when the allegations are about sexual misconduct and most often he/she accusations and denials.

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Education Secretary Betsy DeVoss recently acknowledged the seriousness of this issue and need to protect the victim – while at the same time increasing the rights of the accused to due process.

I have been writing and training on this issue for years.  I am a strong advocate of fair-play and due process.  Indeed, I wrote my book:  Conducting Workplace Investigations:  Designated Investigator as a result of seeing how one-sided so many workplace evaluations and investigations were. 

I’ve also created two workshops for Illumeo that deals with this issue:  Interviewing:  The Art and Science and Investigating a Complaint in the Workplace. 

Although these courses were designed for the workplace – they are also applicable to allegations at school.  And, they tie in with the intent of Education Secretary De.Voss.

The Bridge of My Nose

The Bridge of My Nose

Ayn Rand said:  “My rights end at the bridge of your nose.”   So for those of you who think it is unfair to wear face-masks, let me remind you that the germs from your cough can carry as far as twelve feet – six feet more than you are being asked to distance yourself from others.

Your germs can hit the bridge of my nose and cause me to contract the virus, should you be carrying any of it in your system.  AND, we don’t know who is a carrier, or who is in the early stages of the illness.

SO, no one is violating your rights.  You are violating the rights of all with whom you come in contact if you refuse to wear a face mask.

Managing Staff Remotely

Managing Staff Remotely

Does it feel like a loss of control?   A loss of knowing whether your staff is working or goofing off? 

Ask yourself:  Does it matter what time the work gets done, or that it gets done well?

Ask yourself:  How can I assign work that makes both me – and my staff comfortable that we both know what is expected and when?

Ask yourself:  Which team meetings really need to occur in real time and which can be handled by e-mail?  If in real time, what technology works best for our teams?

I know its different – and therefore somewhat difficult because all the things you learned about managing by walking around – by seeing and touching and talking with your staff is now almost impossible – BUT and that’s a big but – there are ways to assign tasks, hold people accountable and reward and reinforce them – all remotely.

So – take a deep breath – remember that change (and this is certainly a big change for many) causes stress – but once it is solidified it becomes a new habit.

Some things to remember:

• ·       Your staff might very well have their kids home from school – and they need to amuse them, teach them, be kind to them – and have them interrupt their work frequently.
• ·       They too are under stress – this is for many a new way to work
• ·       Some people love working from home – others are quite anxious and possibly even suffering from feeling locked up and deprived
• ·       Being on time doesn’t really matter – does it?
• ·       Well maybe it matters for on-line team meetings – but does it really matter if the work week changes from 8:00 AM to when the kids are down for a nap?

Change has stages – and you might be in the beginning or middle stages – and your staff members will vary as tow here they are…but remember the first stages are denial and anger – after a while people adjust – and adjust especially well if they can figure out how this change actually benefits them.  Finally, the new behaviors become the new normal.

So – your job as manager is to find ways to enable them (and yourself of course) to see the positive benefits in working remotely.  There are many.  For example:

• ·      

 You can avoid rush hour traffic – just walk into your second bedroom

• ·       You don’t have to listen to people on the other side of the cubicle complain
• ·       You don’t have to wear makeup or dress professionally
• ·       You can pick your hours
• ·       You can make your own breakfast and lunch in your own well-stocked kitchen
• ·       You can get up and stretch wnenever you want or need to
• ·       You can even find time to exercise when your circadian rhythms says it is the right time for you

Just to remind you:  Many years ago I attended a conference of educators being asked to consider teaching on-line.  They were all so fearful of loss of control and many – a great many – resisted the new way that was being proposed.  Yet, over the years (long before Corona Virus) on-line courses have been created and measured.  There are on-line colleges and universities that are quite successful.   This model has been replicated at the primary – elementary school levels today and although a little bit awkward for some – the model is working.

If it can work in the field of education.  It can work for you.

Just think about giving up some measure of control – but know you always do control the quality of the end product or service your staff provides.