Talking about "IT" #MeToo

Talking about “IT”

#Metoo – I, along with almost all teenage girls and young women was sexually harassed, bullied and abused when I was younger.   We learned how to fend off the groping hands of these bullies.  We rarely, if ever talked about it.

I had an incident that I shared with no one because I felt foolish – as though my naivety had contributed to what happened to me – many many years ago.

I recalled it recently because of the #MeToo movement.  I couldn’t tell you the date, but I could tell you the place and the approximate year.  Although it was quite distasteful when it happened, I have no trauma, no scars, no PTSD due to it. 

So, these hearings are like a double-edged sword.  The fact that Dr. Ford can’t quite put detailed facts of time and place doesn’t tell me she is lying.  The fact that she waited to come forward until now doesn’t in and of itself make her a liar either.

On the other hand – even if she identified the right person – why try to ruin his life now after all these years?  This has become a political weapon and I don’t like it or respect it.

When I write about #MeToo:  The Good, The Bad and The Ugly – this situation falls either into the bad or the ugly.  If true, the bad.  If untrue, the ugly.

Maybe it happened – but just maybe it was someone else, not Judge Kavanaugh.  How many years have passed – how do you actually PROVE guilt or innocent.  That’s why there needs to be a statute of limitations on these accusations.  That’s why there has to be due process – even in a judicial hearing – maybe especially in a judicial hearing.

This is a nightmare for all concerned.  It could have been handled privately when Diane Feinstein first learned about it.  Why was this ugly circus necessary?

The GOOD:   We are putting a stop to those complicit by turning a blind eye.  No more will teenage sports-minded young girls be subjected to abuse because the adults in their world wouldn’t act in their behalf when they complained.

The BAD:      We are destroying people’s reputations – destroying them professionally because we are talking about behaviors that might have been socially acceptable (although wrong) in the era in which they happened (open marriage, co-ed dorms, anything goes during the sexual revolution of the seventies).  We are making accusations about things that happened – or didn’t happen – so many years ago that we can’t get to “truth.”

The UGLY: Accusing someone of sexual abuse/bullying etc., is being used as a political weapon to destroy people.    It doesn’t have to be true.  It merely needs to be asserted to ruin someone forever.

We went to school.   For many years.  We became Professionals – with letters after our names.  Lawyers got to call themselves Attorneys At Law.  A proud profession indeed! 

We hung our shingles.  They promised us that’s all we needed to do in order to obtain a full base of clients.  Well, I with my Ph.D. soon learned otherwise and spent a fair share of my time marketing my practice as well as that of the colleagues of mine who rented space from me.  I learned lots of lessons in those years. 

Soon some of my attorney friends were asking for advice.  Billboards, TV ads, Social Media entries were of limited value.  Too many others were doing this form of advertising trying to vie for the same business.

This reminds me of a funny story – not quite a complete digression from the topic – but a slight but useful detour.

Years ago, I’d flown into a town in Texas because I was scheduled to conduct a weekend board of directors training for an organization in that town.  The President of the group, an attorney, picked me up at the airport and was driving me to my hotel.  As we were driving down the road he said, “Pay attention to that billboard up a little ways on your right and tell me what you think.”

The billboard was of three cowboys, guns blazing saying something like we always get our man.  I thought it was crass.  My companion laughed and said, Yes, it is crass.  But they are the most popular, the richest attorneys in town because they advertise directly to the population they are seeking:  the motorcycle accidents and the fender benders.

What a lesson!   Here those of us who were professionals only used the loftiest language and wouldn’t lower ourselves to …

…

My take-away.  You gotta know your territory – and deal with them at their level.

In any event, to get back to the main portion of my blog today. 

There is no exact right or wrong way to market/sell to drum up business as a professional.  

When I am consulting to law firms on business development, I interview and observe each of the lawyers and work with them individually (as well as in groups) to try to find the way in which they could uniquely and comfortably expose themselves in a manner designed to bring them business.

Is it through public speaking?  Making phone calls to other professionals asking for referrals?  Advertising on billboards?  Community service boards?  Volunteering for activities themselves?  It’s different for each individual. 

Years ago, when I was starting my practice, I worked for a highly respected psychology group called Associated Psychologists.  One of my male colleagues made it a practice of phone-calling physicians and inviting them to lunch.  Two or three days a week Art would have lunch with a physician he hadn’t known before.  I never joined him so I don’t know exactly what he said at those meals, but that’s how he developed his referral base. 

Me, I couldn’t do that in a million years.  I felt – and still feel – awkward telling someone I don’t know what my services are and how great I am at conducting them.  I usually learn a lot more about other people than they do about me at networking events.

On the other hand, I love public speaking.  A talk, a seminar, a panel, a workshop – I’m happy to contribute.  People hear me, meet me, get a sense of me – and I get referrals.

I tell you that because it is so important to realize that we are different and different approaches are important.

That’s why – when I consult to law firms, accounting firms, mental health firms, etc., I work with the professional team to help them find the ways that work for each of them – the ways that make them effective and still comfortable.

Bullying & Intimidation - or Misunderstanding?

He was well over six feet tall with a ruddy complexion.  When he became emotional, his face would turn beet red.  He was smart, kind, and would never knowingly try to intimidate anyone. Let’s call him Jack.

She was a petite Asian woman just over five feet tall.  She had been raised in a family and culture that was outwardly docile and tried to  never show emotion.  Let’s call her Jill.

Although Jack and Jill didn’t walk up a hill together, they did have to work together on the same team.  Jack was in charge.  Jill, new to the workplace had never worked with an Anglo-male before.  Her only prior supervision was from a family friend, an Asian woman who was also soft spoken. We’ll call this supervisor Mary-Jane.

Jill wasn’t the best of workers.  She was spoiled and did what she wanted, when she wanted and as fast or slow as she wanted.  Jack was frustrated because he had deadlines to meet and she was slowing the project down.

He invited her to his office, intending to find out what was slowing down her end of the project.  She came in and he stood up – his intent was politeness.  She froze.  She thought his standing was a deliberate attempt at bullying-intimidation.  Gathering herself, she started to walk out the door – rather than coming in and sitting down, which was clearly his expectation. 

He raised his voice.  His face became red.  He really wasn’t yelling at her – his raised voice was a reaction to his surprise.  Of course she didn’t see it that way.

She ran out of the room.  She ran to her friend and former supervisor.  She told her side of the story:   Jack was trying to deliberately bully me!   Mary-Jane offered support.  Gave Jill al hug and vowed to see to it that Jack was properly punished for his bullying behavior. 

No one spoke to Jack to try to get his side of the story.   Jack was terminated due to what was termed a violation of company policy.  No due process.  No attempt to learn what his behavior might have meant other than Jill’s interpretation of it. 

I knew Jack.  I’d seen how he managed and treated people because I was consulting to his prior company at the time he was working there.  As I said at the beginning of this story, he was a kind and thoughtful man who would never deliberately intimidate or bully anyone.

Jack lost his job – a job he really loved.  Why?  Because no due process.  Because as happens all too often, the woman is automatically believed and if there is any investigation at all (and there wasn’t even the pretense of one in this situation) it is almost always a biased one looking only for supporting evidence and ignoring anything that might paint a different picture. 

That’s why I wrote my latest book:  Conducting Workplace Investigations:  Designated Investigator.

h

Conflict – Communication – Change

Conflict – Communication – Change

Someone asked me what I enjoyed doing most in my consulting practice – in other words what is my “sweet spot.”

I immediately replied:  Working with groups of people to resolve conflict. 

I went on to say that I was not afraid of anger or other emotions and so it was easy for me to bring people together – whether two or two-hundred – to help them air their grievances, make decisions to resolve their differences and help them communicate effectively with each other.

Together – after they get past the anger and resentment – we can make positive changes that work for both sides of the dispute.

It is so satisfying to help create these positive changes.

Get more done in less time daily

I remember the days when we worked 9 – 5 (or maybe 8 – 4)  We’d leave work and have a life after work.  Sometimes we’d meet friends for dinner, other times we’d go home and work on personal projects.  There was relief from whatever it was we did at work.

Than it became 8 – 6.   Why?   Because those that started it were trying to prove they were more valuable than those who came in an hour later and left an hour earlier. 

Soon, especially here in California 8 – 6 was the norm and those wanting to “look good” started coming in even earlier and leaving even later.  Today, in some of our high tech companies you are expected to be available 24-7.

BUT – that’s about time.  What about productivity?  What about creativity?  What about quality and excellence?

Research (including some of my own) shows that for simple tasks productivity might increase with the increase in time – but only for a short while.  Then productivity goes down to the same level – or even less – than it was at 9 – 5 hours.

Creativity, quality and excellence all suffer because of the stress and fatigue consistently working such long hours creates.

We talk about work-life balance – but most people today merely give it lip-service.  Truly, if you had time to relax and refresh on a regular basis you’d get both more quality and quantity in your work.  You’d also have the opportunity of having time for social and community service activities.  In other words you’d have time for a range of different ways to spend your time and use your brain.

So – in order to get more done with better quality – spend less time and be more alert and focused on what you are doing.

these stupid ads

these ads are NOT from me - I never saw them before in my life and don't know how they got here.