ArLyne's Diamonds

A running commentary of ideas

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Self-Defeating Chip on the Shoulder

I met this brilliant and very attractive young woman the other evening, who unfortunately has such a chip on her shoulder that she completely detracts from her assets.

For example: Nice face, nice hair and lovely figure - ruined by bizarre overly made up too colorful makeup, hair streaked in blue, red, and green, and clothing designed to offend rather than attract.

There were a group of us together who share basic values - philosophical - political. One of the men was sharing his views about patent law, and I was interested in listening. This young woman kept interrupting the conversation to tell him he was wrong and very belligerently and repeatedly share her views on the subject. A few times I asked her to just listen since I really was trying to learn his position - but her mouth kept going and her brain and ears heard nothing.

This same young woman, who I suspect is very talented and capable - can't get a decent job. Her anger against "the system" gives her the excuse for why she can't find a job. Frankly, I think it's her appearance and style of communication.

Too bad: Personality, appearance, respect for the opinions of others, and stle of communicating are critically important in how we are evaluated by others.

I do hope she checks out this blog.

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Friday, July 08, 2011

When lifestyles clash in the workplace

What happens when a small team of workers reports serious conflict because one of among them is very religious and is horrified about the lifestyle of the others. When HR investigates they discover that the conversations of the others on the team (all of whom work in very close physical proximity to each other) would be considered within the normal range by most people.

For example: One woman is delightedly reporting the progress she and her lesbian partner are having with their plans to adopt a child. A man, who won a bunch of money gambling last weekend in Las Vegas is sharing his joy at his good luck. Another woman in the group recently divorced is talking about meeting some men and having new dates - just dates.

If you were HR how would you handle this matter? Clearly this is a clash of beliefs and your investigation disclosed that there was nothing untoward in the conversations and looking at "the reasonable person" standard, the conversations did not rise to the level of "hostile work environment."

Assume that this group must continue to work together and to stay in close proximity.

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Thursday, July 07, 2011

Not my job

It’s not my job.” “I can’t work out of class.” “Sorry, my plate is full.” Have you ever used any of those phrases, or similar ones? I’ve heard people proudly proclaim that they are protecting themselves from being abused by their employer,
when they refuse to take on additional work.

Let me tell you why I think that this attitude if expressed either verbally or even by your behavior is guaranteed to be self-defeating and almost a death-knell to your advancement in the workplace.

In the workplace, you gain value by your willingness to learn new things, take on new tasks, and act in a cooperative manner. There needs to be a spirit of wanting to help your boss and dedication to your company’s bottom line. Thus, those who are too self-protective of what is or is not their own responsibility are typically those who fail to get promoted. Negativity typically loses out in the long run.

The Law of Reciprocity – which basically states that (without keeping score,) people do tend to reciprocate the favors they receive from others. Or another way of looking at this concept is to realize the importance of goodwill in the workplace as well as any other place. Saying Yes is so much nicer than saying No.
Being generous may not yield immediate results. The concept of reciprocity is not the same as exchanging money for goods in the stores in which you shop. It is more abstract, long-term and vague – but generally speaking it does work.
How can you grow in your job if you don’t volunteer to learn new things? Do you have to wait to be invited? Do you need the raise and promotion before you learn something new? Do you tightly control what you are willing to do for others – including your boss?

Let me tell you a few stories.

Some years ago, I was consulting to a county agency that was experiencing enormous internal conflict. Union v. non-union folk were fighting, paralegals were fighting with non-paralegal administrative staff and also with attorneys. Attorneys were fighting with other professionals, management and each other. It was a mess.
I decided to start the conflict resolution process by working with “affinity groups” – that is with those people on a particular side in the various arguments. In one of my groups, I noticed that each week one woman would close her papers, put on fresh lipstick and sit with her purse on the table waiting for the session to end. She started this process 15 minutes before our session, which was the last one of the day, was to end. Among this woman’s complaints was that others were promoted ahead of her. No wonder!

Now, let me contrast this with another story.

A young woman, graduating high school very young, got her first job as a file clerk in a privately owned company in New York City. By the second day she was asking to be taught the switchboard, which she then learned and moved on to ask for typing jobs, secretarial jobs, etc. In a few short months she had been promoted several times.

Later, this same young woman became a bookkeeper, an assistant credit and collections manager – and finally became a manager of customer service, while not yet having gone to college.

Why – how? Because she kept asking to be taught something new. Because she finished whatever tasks were assigned her efficiently and effectively and reached out for more work – rather than pretending she was still working.
As you might have guessed, that young woman was me – many years ago. The experience I gained during those years has proven invaluable to me as I consult to others helping them “get the best out of themselves and others” in the workplace.
The Law of Reciprocity – the more I asked to learn, the more valuable I became, and the more willing others were to teach me something new.

Not only that, but the CEO of our company granted me a huge favor because he liked and respected me. I was attending school nights a few days a week on the other side of Manhattan. I’d rush out the door on those nights in order to use public transportation to get to school on time. Mr. Lowe, the CEO of our company stopped me at the elevator one day asking why I rushed out two nights a week, when I was perfectly willing to work late the other nights. I explained. He offered me his chauffeured limousine and from that day forward, two nights a week I was driven to class by Ray, Mr. Lowe’s chauffer. I will never forget his kindness.

The Law of Reciprocity – in today’s workplace most projects are completed by those with whom we work and over whom we cannot hold a whip. It is goodwill, persuasion, and the return of favors that is the coin of the realm. How people feel about you will determine how readily they respond to your request that they help you on your project.

\The Law of Reciprocity – when you need something from me, I bend over backwards to get it done for you in a timely and quality manner. Later, when I need something from you, you will remember.

This does not mean every transaction needs to be a quid pro quo. We don’t keep score. Not only don’t we keep score but how can you measure what any one favor is worth compared to any other.

Perhaps the work I did for you took me a long time, but was felt as trivial to you. So what. I’ll do it anyway because who knows what opportunities come up in the future.

Perhaps some small favor I did for you actually was the key to saving a very important project – and thus your reputation – for you. It took me only minutes, but to you it was incredibly valuable.

As I said, it’s not about keeping score or an exact quid pro quo. It’s about goodwill.

“Not my job.” If you use this expression, Maybe it means you are really afraid of learning something new. Maybe it means you think it is beneath your dignity to do this for someone else. . Maybe it is because you are afraid that “if you give an inch, they’ll demand an arm.” Whatever your fear, you might be creating self-fulfilling prophecy.

Can you see that the person to whom you’ve said NO assumes the meaning behind your rejection of the favor. The assumption might be quite detrimental to your reputation.

“Not my job.” Isn’t that guaranteed to have the other person think less of you? Isn’t that guaranteed to have you passed over next time there is a great opportunity that might lead to a raise and promotion?

“I can’t work out of class.” That’s code for saying your loyalty is completely to your union and not to your co-workers, supervisors, or even your employer. “Working out of class” is one of the tools unions use to make them more valuable – but stifling your ability to get your raise and promotion without it coming from the union/management negotiation process.

When people are able to negotiate their promotions and raises for themselves, they have far less need for the union to negotiate for them.

“Sorry, my plate is full.” Another bad answer. Yes, maybe it’s true. However, a much better answer would be to say, “Of course I’ll do this for you, but I’d like your opinion as to what other tasks (projects) to defer in order to make this one a higher priority.”

In other words, you are saying YES, even though in truth your plate is full.

The bottom line: People like to do business with people they like. Managers, usually caught in the middle of demands from higher up and the need to get help from their staff, will look more favorably on those they see as willing and cooperative.

So, “not my job” or any of its variations is often the start of falling out of favor.

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Friday, July 01, 2011

Emotionally Disengaging from the Conflict

Last night in my Conflict Resolution class two of my students discussed workplace conflict with people with whom they have to interact daily. In both cases, upper management chose to stick their head(s) in the sand rather than deal with troublesome employees. My students didn't have the political power to change the situation.

Thus, they had to learn how to change their own reactions to the other person(s). The male/female differences came into play during the discussion - most of the men were comfortable just ignoring the situation and "getting the job done." The women had more difficulty even contemplating disengaging.

No matter how "equal" we might be - men are more concerned with the game and women with the relationship of the people in the game. Yes, yes, this is just a genralization, don't attack me for it.

Emotionally disengaging means letting go of your frustration, jealousy, guilt, and poor me in exchange for more peace of mind. The lack of competence or caring of the other person shouldn't affect your mood - or your work for that matter.

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