Learning Social Clues

I find it sad that teenagers are learning about social clues for the first time.  Our local newspaper - the San Jose Mercury - has this picture of teenage girls on one side of the line - and boys on the other.  They are in the gym learning the meaning of "consent."

"Consent" - something those of us who played freely together as kids learned when we were about five years old.

What's the difference?  Easy - our parents, teachers, guardians were NOT on top of us at all times.  They were not dictating our play.  They were not  getting in the middle of our scarbbles?  They were not making up the rules of the stick ball or jump rope games?

We learned by doing - by succeeding and by failing.

Non-verbal cues are critically important to social relations.  Starting to learn them as teenagers and adults is sad.

Maybe I shouldn't call it sad since I am often consulting and coaching highly brilliant people how to get along with each other.  I am consulting with newly minted managers and CEOs even helping them learn the same things.

It's not just about dating.  It's not just about sex.  It is about understanding the social clues.

Where have all the boys gone?

Where have all the boys gone?

One of the performances tonight at the Smuin Ballet reminded me of hanging out in the park with the boys all showing off to us girls, who, of course were also showing off.

The boys would be on the parallel bars, and I would be on the swings, showing off my legs of course. In those days we girls wore skirts.

Pete Devlin and his gang hung out at the park. He was the leader of the Irish gang, a Golden Gloves boxer, gorgeous and one of my boy-friends.

But my “brothers” hung out as well. Sandy, Frank, Paul, Paul (yes there were two Pauls) and Lenny were all gymnasts and the crowd that hung out mostly at my home. They were either in my bedroom (which was like a family room) or on the stoop almost every afternoon and night. It got to be a joke when one of the mothers would call, asking us to send her son home for dinner.

Even before then there were boys. I remember as a young girl playing with Stanley, Larry and a few other boys whose names I no longer recall.

As a baby I was loved and well-protected by Joel Berman – who I always thought was my cousin. He wasn’t, but I called his parents Aunt and Uncle.

My boyfriend, from Kindergarten until the fifth grade was Robert Solomon. We are still friends. As a young teen, I had a crush on Frank Samuels and sometimes it was reciprocated and other times it wasn’t. Life was very confusing when I was a young teen.

Later, I met and fell in love with Sonny Waterman, and it wasn’t until many years later that I learned it had been reciprocated. We sometimes were like ships passing in the night.

But no matter who I dated, or had a crush on, there were always the boys who were my friends, with whom I hung out and went places.

There were two groups of guys I spent my time with when I lived in Los Angeles. There were the guys in the apartment building, including Tomio, Big Richard, Little Richard and Robert. Later there was Georg and his wingman Joel who moved upstairs.
I spent much of my time though with Sheldon, Jim and Bernard. Although I dated none of them, the four of us went to dinner together frequently. I dated Rick part of that time.

During the years I was married, there were the boys in my study group in college, and the men in the couples with whom we socialized frequently.

After Ray and I split up, there was Michael and his brother Brian. Steve and Dennis were frequent visitors and company at dinner.

I realized tonight that all the boys have gone away. Watching the Smuin ballet dancers on the posts and fence, I remembered the boys of High School and realized how much I missed having a gang of guys in my life.