SURVIVING

Surviving

We are still sheltering at home, wearing masks and wondering how we are going to be able to work when our children are at home – and we need to care for them.

This is an unusual time in all our lives – especially if, like me, you live in California or another state that has restaurants, beauty parlors, etc., closed for now.

I just returned from spending a week in Texas.  There, except for everyone wearing masks in public, it appears that many businesses are almost – not quite – but almost doing business as usual.

Restaurants, for example are open.  During the week I was there we went out to lunch at a different restaurant  every day and out to dinner at a different restaurant every evening – some “white tablecloth” restaurants. 

We were required to wear masks entering and exiting the restaurant – and all wait staff were wearing masks.  They seated every other table to keep some distance from one group to another – but other than that it seemed very normal.

Not only did we eat out – but my friend and I indulged one afternoon in “girlie” stuff – going to a day spa and getting facials and manicures and pedicures.  She even got her hair done and had makeup applied.  Can’t do that here in California.

Silicon Valley is being very cautious – and I think that’s the right thing even though it is inconvenient.  We have a fairly dense population of people from all over the world, many of whom travel back and forth from other countries.  We are more vulnerable and more likely to make contact with someone that has the virus.

Which reminds me:  American Airlines filled every seat – including the middle seats.  That really bothered me.  No distancing at all.  BUT, we were required to wear masks.

What about the workplace?

Some of us, like me have been working from home thanks to the computer and Zoom and other similar programs.  BUT, I’ve lost all my face-to-face business because very few people really want to deal with conflict, communication, change and cultural issues on line. 

All that I have been doing on-line is:

·       interviewing people in preparation for board of directors training and strategic planning retreats – which are being conducted via zoom

·       Creating an annual on-line meeting with entertainment for the annual meeting of one of the boards on which I serve.

·       Creating and conducting on demand courses and webinars

·       Coaching some individuals

·       Contributing to conversations/discussions on meetups.

Technology is allowing me – and everyone else – to communicate with others and feel less isolated.  BUT – it will never substitute for real face-to-face contact.

I miss being able to bring groups of people together to help them communicate with each other and resolve workplace-related conflict.

I miss being able to help groups of people learn new ways of interacting, of planning, of being creative/innovative by the use of some non-verbal techniques.

I miss not going away to wonderful places to conduct corporate retreats.

Most of all:  I miss being WITH people – live.

What about you?

Are you learning new ways of working?  Are you at home trying to figure out the best way to communicate with your peers, team mates, staff etc.?

Are you trying to figure out how to parent your stay-at-home children while trying to get some work done?

Are you going to your place of business – but finding areas that are “off-limits” or no longer available?  Are you discovering the barriers between you and your fellow employees? 

What is your new-normal?

What are your challenges?

May I help you find new strategies – via zoom or email?   Just contact me.

ArLyne@DiamondAssociates.net

Onvestigating a Complaint in the Workplace

Topic Title:  Investigating a Complaint in the Workplace

Background:  Years ago, when children complained of being sexually abused, they were disbelieved and ignored.  When, in the eighties professionals realized that many of these allegations were true.  Trying to protect children they coined the phrase:  “Children Don’t Lie, Or if they do, they don’t lie about this.”  Thus all complaints were accepted as true even if the allegation was that the abuse had happened more than ten years prior to the complaint. 

Fast forward to now.  Thanks to some of the people involved in the #Metoo Movement we are now demanding that if a woman (and sometimes a man) complains of having been sexually abused they are automatically believed.  It is considered bad form and intrusive to question the complaining person. 

When doing evaluations of these allegations in the business world, we are told, over and over again that the complaining woman (and sometimes a man) is promised confidentiality and the alleged perpetrator has no right to face his accused.  Investigations if they are conducted at all  - are all too often conducted by a biased person who is looking only for evidence to support the complaint and the potential evidence to the contrary is ignored – or else that person is called a liar. 

Having “second opinioned” many of these poorly conducted investigations, I wrote the book:  Conducting Workplace Investigations: Designed Investigator. 

Getting in Your Own Way

Have you ever looked back at something you were trying to obtain – but failed and recognized that although you know better, you didn’t do what was necessary – what you knew you should have been doing – and thus didn’t get what you sought? 

I have.

I think this blog might easily be re-named:  How I get in my own way.

Let me give you a few classic examples, of things I did wrong or failed to do. Maybe they will trigger your memory of things you need to do better too.

1:  Any sales course emphasizes the importance of asking questions designed to get your potential buyer to reveal their pain points – so you can show them how your service/product can help to heal them. 

I know that! 

So, when recently meeting with the Executive Director of a Community Center, why did I spend the time “teaching” her about some of the background of the organization she just joined?  I used up the time allotted for the meeting without either learning from her about her immediate consulting needs – her pain points – and so, of course I couldn’t ask for the order.

2:  Medical doctors have it easy – they can decline diagnosing someone in a social setting by mentioning that their equipment is at the hospital or office and that person should make an appointment.  Attorneys do something similar – make an appointment.

But, when asked, what do I do? 

I answer the question.  I will spend a considerable amount of time helping someone that asks me a question – and often fail to also suggest that they make an appointment to get additional information or aid from me.

3:  Great networkers know that they can talk business even in social situations. 

I come from an era where women have been rigorously trained to not mix business with pleasure.  Indeed, I can remember several example of being chastised because I attempted to do that. 

4:   Networking in general.  The custom is to learn about what the other person does and offer to help them – and then respond to their question asking what you do.

So what happens to me?  I spend the time learning about them – and for reasons that are inexplicable to me – most of the time they fail to ask me what I do – and (shame on me) I don’t offer it because I don’t want to appear pushy.

So – in conclusion -  I need to learn to take my own advice.  I need to practice being more assertive in “asking for the order” and all elements leading up to it 

What about you?

Toxid People: The Rotten Apple

Do you remember the old adage:  “One rotten apple spoils the bunch”?  There is certainly much evidence that one toxic person spoils the inner-workings of the team, the department and sometimes extends as far as the division itself. 

Toxicity is like a virulent virus.

We all talk about toxicity in the workplace – but one could blame that on stress or competition – here are some examples of how toxicity affects people in social situations.

#!  You caused the hurricane 

A number of years ago, when I was still conducting group therapy sessions I took a therapy group to the Bahamas for a team-building relaxing wonderful adventure.  We chartered one of the hand-made tall sails small ships.,  It was the same ship with the same captain that I had been on with another group the summer prior to this adventure. 

We all flew to the Bahamas together and boarded the ship.  The first few days were lovely, everyone was relaxed and having a good time.  The weather was perfect, our accommodations on board were comfortable and the Captain was a great guy.

And then it hit!  The hurricane – a big one.  We had advance warning and the demand that all tourists leave the islands.  So, we helped our Captain dismantle the ship and sink it – which was the safer way of preserving it.  We charted a plane (at great expense) and were able to borrow someone’s home in Miami Beach. 

The home we borrowed belonged to the parents of one of our group.  They were away on vacation, which was fortunate for us. It was a large comfortable home – but of course many of my therapy clients were quite upset about having their trip disrupted, about the emotions having to sink this gorgeous hand-made ship created and the extra expenses of a charted plane.  In spite of being upset, tired, a little bit frightened – we all hung together. 

And then, it turned out that the hurricane followed us to Miami Beach and we had to vacate the beach.  We borrowed two cars and along with hundreds of other cars slowly made our way inland to Orlando. 

That’s when the real problems began. 

The people in the car I was in remained calm and reasonable.  We laughed and joked and sang silly songs. 

The people in the other car, however. Remained anything but calm.  One of the men was toxic.  He was hostile, slightly paranoid, and very upset about having had his vacation/adventure ruined.  He controlled the discussion in that car and by the time we arrived in Orlando he had convinced all of his car mates that I personally was to blame for causing the hurricane and the disruption. 

Everyone in this car was angry and hostile by the time we arrived in Orlando. 

This was a great experiment in what happens when you have a toxic person on a team. 

#2       Ruining the flow

Here is a milder example of what happens when you have a toxic person in a group. 

I belong to a small discussion group.  We meet weekly, but now due to the shelter at home mandate we have been meeting on Zoom.

One man – I’ll call him Adolph – frequently complains that he doesn’t have enough of an opportunity to speak.  Yet, he is one of the people who speaks the most and the most frequently.  He has a need to show-off – to be the expert and resents when any other member of the group offers some “expert” information. 

When we met in person he would frequently make ugly faces at me across the table, because he resented me and my professional background.  (He has a lot of nasty things to say about Doctors and Lawyers and other professionals.) Since most of the time we were meeting at an outdoor table affixed to a restaurant, it was relatively easy to ignore him.  BUT – once we were meeting on Zoom, his interrupting and showing off led the leader of our group to mute us all and we had to raise our hands like children to get a turn to speak.

This changed the flow of the meeting considerably.  It no longer became a discussion with a continuous thread – which is what happens when discussion is free-form.  Now, by the time one of us got our turn, the conversation had turned and what we were planning to say in relation to what someone else said three people ago was out of context. 

As you know, in a free conversation you can respond to what a speaker is saying.  In a raise your hand classroom style your question or comment is in isolation. 

I understand why the leader of our discussion group did this – but in fact – it spoiled the fun, the flow, and the easy ability to acquire new knowledge. 

SO, what’s my point in sharing these non-workplace stories with you?  To show you that toxicity (the rotten apple) can be harmful wherever it occurs, not just the workplace. 

I am planning to create another course on just dealing with toxic people in the workplace.  In the past I offered you a course in dealing with difficult people and resolving conflict.  That is a very valuable course in terms of dealing with a variety of people in the workplace or socially.  

Since it was planned as a one-hour webinar I couldn’t go into the amount of detail about toxicity in particular – but I shall in the new webinar.  Look for it in the weeks to come.

Due Process in the workplace and at school

Almost every day someone is complaining to their HR representative or to their manager that they have been sexually harassed.  Sometimes these complaints are about being embarrassed by looks or comments that are considered inappropriate.  Other times they are quite serious and represent a total violation of someone’s rights to safety.  Some are even criminal.

But, in addition to these genuine complaints which need to be carefully evaluated, there are false complaints – or at least grossly exaggerated ones. 

That’s why due process is so important – and often ignored.  Workplace complaints are typically handled in a one-sided manner automatically believing the account given by the person complaining and not allowing the accused to hear what is being said against him or her and not giving them due process. 

Not only is this true in the workplace – it is true at most schools as well.  Title IX, in its attempt to take children who complained seriously became over-zealous and forgot about due process.  That’s where the new ruling by Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos comes into play. 

Although some people might be upset by the new ruling, most will understand that due process is an important component in dealing with any accusation of misbehavior.  This is especially true when the allegations are about sexual misconduct and most often he/she accusations and denials. 

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos recently acknowledged the seriousness of this issue and need to protect the victim – while at the same time increasing the rights of the accused to due process. She put three new mandates in place to strengthen due process – while at the same time listening to and protecting children. 

I have been writing and training on this issue for years.  I am a strong advocate of fair-play and due process.  Indeed, I wrote my book:  Conducting Workplace Investigations:  Designated Investigator as a result of seeing how one-sided so many workplace evaluations and investigations were. 

I’ve also created two workshops for Illumeo that deals with this issue:  Interviewing:  The Art and Science and Investigating a Complaint in the Workplace. 

Although these courses were designed for the workplace – they are also applicable to allegations at school.  And, they tie in with the intent of Education Secretary De.Vos.

Yes, it is critically important to take any complaint seriously.  That doesn’t mean you should either believe or disbelieve what is being reported.  It does mean that some highly trained, intelligent and neutral person should carefully investigate and evaluate the situation.

In the workplace this might very well be a trained HR or OD manager.  Possibly even a consultant brought in especially for this purpose.  At school, as Ms. DeVos suggests it takes more than one expert to reach a conclusion.  Should we do that in the workplace as well? 

Not necessarily – if people realize they have to be fair and equitable to all sides in the complaint.  If investigators and evaluators are aware of their own “buttons” and biases and turn cases over to others if  they don’t feel they can remain neutral for any reason.

We are all biased in one way or another.  Almost all of us want to protect anyone that has been harmed and punish anyone who does harm to another. 

That’s not the problem.  There are a few main problems:

1:       We believe the first person to tell us something – so we are apt to believe the person making the complaint.

2:       We are biased naturally – that’s why it was so hard for children to be believed.  They were complaining about teachers, preachers, doctors, and coaches violating them.  Responsible adults could not believe that these professionals whose job was to protect children would actually violate them.  Of course, we have not taken huge steps to change this – and now they are mostly believed.

3:       We are biased naturally – that’s why all it takes is for someone to come into our office crying and we will believe they have been harmed. 

4:       If something similar to what is being alleged happened to us or to a loved one, the tendency to believe it is even stronger.

5:       Big lawsuits – big money – if one sues one’s employer due to not being kept safe.  And there are many such lawsuits – we read about them or see TV stories about them every day.  Indeed, there are lawyers who specialize in suing companies for not protecting women (usually women – but not always) from being violated.

In summary, it is so important to take complaints of misbehavior seriously.  It is especially important that we protect our children. We also need to keep our worlkplaces safe.   However, in the USA we believe in the rule of law.  We believe in the importance of due process.  A person is innocent until proven guilty. 

Yes, the standard of proof should be reasonably low – it doesn’t have to be beyond a reasonable doubt – but it should be fair and equitable for all involved.

Well trained investigators and evaluators who are dedicated to being fair and neutral are what is needed both at school and at work.

Due Process and Education Secretary DeVoss

Although some people might be upset by the new ruling, most will understand that due process is an important component in dealing with any accusation of misbehavior.  This is especially true when the allegations are about sexual misconduct and most often he/she accusations and denials.

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Education Secretary Betsy DeVoss recently acknowledged the seriousness of this issue and need to protect the victim – while at the same time increasing the rights of the accused to due process.

I have been writing and training on this issue for years.  I am a strong advocate of fair-play and due process.  Indeed, I wrote my book:  Conducting Workplace Investigations:  Designated Investigator as a result of seeing how one-sided so many workplace evaluations and investigations were. 

I’ve also created two workshops for Illumeo that deals with this issue:  Interviewing:  The Art and Science and Investigating a Complaint in the Workplace. 

Although these courses were designed for the workplace – they are also applicable to allegations at school.  And, they tie in with the intent of Education Secretary De.Voss.

The Bridge of My Nose

The Bridge of My Nose

Ayn Rand said:  “My rights end at the bridge of your nose.”   So for those of you who think it is unfair to wear face-masks, let me remind you that the germs from your cough can carry as far as twelve feet – six feet more than you are being asked to distance yourself from others.

Your germs can hit the bridge of my nose and cause me to contract the virus, should you be carrying any of it in your system.  AND, we don’t know who is a carrier, or who is in the early stages of the illness.

SO, no one is violating your rights.  You are violating the rights of all with whom you come in contact if you refuse to wear a face mask.