A Compliment or Harassment?

I visited friends for Thanksgiving Dinner.  My friend’s granddaughter, a gorgeous redhead in her early twenties and a recent college graduate and I were talking. 

I mentioned having just completed an on-demand course for Illumeo (see www.Illumeo.com) called “Don’t be a Victim:  Say No and have it honored” and told her a story I’d told in the course.

I too am a redhead – although significantly older than this young woman – but I too was young once and had all kinds of rude and lewd compliments and invitations thrown at me.  My father (a wonderful wise man) suggested that instead of getting insulted I take them as a compliment, smile, say thank you and move on.  A woman, he told me was like a work of art in a museum, men would look and some would comment, but they do not have the right to touch or take.  You, he said own your boy and only you can decide with whom you choose to share it.

That piece of advice has been enormously helpful to me – but this young women’s reaction was quite different.

She and her generation are determined to re-train boys and men so that they never say lewd and rude things again.

Yeah, that’s a good idea for their parents – but if an attractive young woman is walking down the street and some guys cat-call her shouldn’t she smile and walk on – or should she stop and give them a lecture on appropriate social behavior?

Me, I’d play it safe.

I didn't do it

I didn’t do it!

What do you do if you have been falsely accused of harassing someone in the workplace?  That’s a question I’ve been asked a great deal lately.  Hopefully, this will never happen to you, but if it does…

• ·       Remember that you have the legal right to due process.  That means to face your accuser, to learn the charges against you and to receive enough information to be able to defend yourself.  That includes, who, what, when, why and where.
• ·       Unfortunately, all too often the people doing the investigations in the workplace think that they are protecting the accuser (alleged victim) by not giving the alleged harasser/abuser the name or details of the allegation.  I think this is wrong.
• ·       If the accusation rises to the level of criminal behavior – such as grabbing, physically abusing or raping another person – get thee to an attorney fast.
• ·       If the accusation is of the milder annoying and insulting kind – demand an open and neutral investigation.  That is assuming you are innocent.
• ·       Most investigations, trying to be neutral wind up being biased in favor of one side or the other.  That’s because we all have natural biases.  (see my book:  Conducting Workplace Investigations:  Designated Investigator, Robertson Publishing Com.)  Investigators need to learn their own biases and how to get out of the way of them.
• ·       If you are innocent, the openness of the investigation will lend credence to your claims of innocence.  Otherwise, once accused you will have a very hard time being believed when you say I am innocent.
• ·       If you are not receiving a neutral – open – and unbiased investigation, you might consider going up your organization chain of command to find someone who will help guarantee that your investigation is as it should be.

Most claims are probably true.  But in today’s climate, it stands to reason that there will be women (and some men) wo falsely accuse because they want publicity, money or both.  There are some attorneys who are determined to make fame and fortune out of bringing so-called victims forward.

• ·       We need to carefully separate out credible claims, ones that have facts and proof that make them logical and believable from those that can’t be proven.
• ·       If a claim is a he said/she said about something that happened years ago, it might be exceedingly difficult to prove or disprove.  (That is probably why, in the Bill Cosby case the prosecution is trying to have a number of alleged victims testify.)
• ·       Yes, the #metoo movement is creating a powerfully positive message – no more will women, girls and some men and boys allow themselves to be victimized.  They will shout NO and come forward to complain – and we will listen.  Me must honor the positive aspects of the movement.

·       But, it does also lend itself to bringing out the people who just want to get something for nothing – both in the workplace and elsewhere.

This is a tightrope we are currently walking – between believing the alleged victim and giving the alleged perpetrator due process.