Stop Bullying:  Teach kids to resolve conflict

As long as we – the parents, teachers, counselors and coaches – continue to make all the decisions for the kids we serve – we are doing them a huge dis-service.

Two children are fighting over the same toy.  Mother takes it away from both of them.  She doesn’t teach them how to talk it over and create a win/win that works for them.

The entire party is purchased:  Dora the Explorer has every moment orchestrated.  The parents control the show.  The eight year old children have no free time at the birthday party.  How do they learn to communicate – to resolve conflict when the entire event is controlled by parents?

Parents supervise almost all activities of children.  Most are not taught how to be a resource and stay in the background unless there is imminent danger.

Children are not taught how to communicate, to negotiate and to resolve conflict themselves.   The more passive are not given the tools to be stronger and the stronger learn they can Bully and get what they want.

Thus many of them become bullies because that’s all they know.  Others have been so coddled that they yield at the first sign of disagreement.

So let’s back off some.  As a prominent psychiatrist once suggested:  “Benign neglect.” 

I grew up in The Bronx.  My parents both worked.  I “hung out” with friends after school and there was no immediate parental supervision.  We kids, probably from the time we were eight, had to make our own decisions, learn how to negotiate the rules of the games we played and how to disagree with each other without losing the friendships.

Today, as an adult, I teach conflict resolution, communication and negotiation.

This could never have happened had I been constantly supervised and controlled.

As a teenager I belonged to a Jewish Service Organization:  B’nai Brith Girls.  I was lucky enough to be part of an organization that had superb paid professional staff.  They taught our adult supervisors how to be a resource in the background.  We girls made all our own decisions.  I learned leadership and public speaking skills during those years because I held various offices in the chapter and region.

As a young adult, I became a youth leader – and was taught how to be helpful without being controlling.  How to be a resource rather than a decision maker.

So, today, I’d like to suggest to all the adults – teach your little ones how to create win/wins out of their disagreements.  Allow your teens to make their own decisions (unless they are potentially dangerous.)\

It’s only when kids learn how to communicate and negotiate will bullying be stopped.